Am I Dating a Narcissist Assessment Calculator
Identify narcissistic traits and behaviors in your relationship
Important Medical Disclaimer
This assessment is a self-reflection tool for identifying concerning relationship patterns. It is NOT a diagnostic test for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Only a licensed mental health professional can officially diagnose NPD.
Remember: Concerning behaviors are problematic regardless of whether they meet diagnostic criteria for NPD. Your experiences and feelings are valid, and you deserve support.
Narcissistic Trait Assessment
1. How did they act when you first started dating?
2. What are you both likely to chat about over dinner?
3. With 1 being "not very" and 10 being "extremely," how reliable are they?
4. You forget to reply to their text for a couple of hours. How do they respond?
5. They ask you for a favor that you aren't super comfortable with. How do they respond when you refuse?
6. You're at a nice restaurant and getting ready to order. How do they treat the wait staff?
7. How do they speak about the people around them?
8. How many friends do they have?
9. Describe your partner in two words.
10. You just had a rough day. How do they respond?
11. Someone forgot to take the trash out. What's their response?
12. Are they committed to your relationship?
Common Narcissistic Traits
Unable to recognize or care about your feelings
Inflated sense of self-importance and superiority
Constant need for praise and validation
Using guilt, gaslighting, or other tactics to control
Expecting special treatment without reciprocating
Taking advantage of others for personal gain
Get Help & Support
National DV Hotline
1-800-799-7233 (24/7)
Crisis Text Line
Text START to 88788
SAMHSA Helpline
1-800-662-4357
Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
What Is NPD?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition officially recognized by the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). According to psychiatric professionals, a person must meet at least 5 of 9 specific criteria to be diagnosed with NPD, including inflated self-importance, fantasies of unlimited success/power, belief in their own specialness, need for excessive admiration, sense of entitlement, exploitative behavior, lack of empathy, envy, and arrogant attitudes.
Important Facts About NPD
- •Only a licensed mental health professional can officially diagnose NPD
- •People with NPD aren\'t automatically abusers (but some are)
- •NPD can be treated with long-term therapy and medication
- •Many with NPD don\'t recognize they have a problem
Common Narcissistic Behaviors
- 🚩Love Bombing: Overwhelming you with affection early on, then pulling back
- 🚩Gaslighting: Making you question your reality or memory
- 🚩Triangulation: Creating drama by bringing third parties into conflicts
- 🚩Blame-Shifting: Never taking responsibility; always your fault
- 🚩Isolation: Separating you from friends and family
- 🚩Silent Treatment: Punishing you by withdrawing communication
- 🚩Hoovering: Trying to suck you back in after you\'ve left
The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
Love bombing, excessive charm
Criticism, gaslighting, withdrawal
Ending or distancing from relationship
Attempting to reconnect
Frequently Asked Questions
Can a narcissist change or be cured?
Change is possible but extremely rare and requires the narcissist to genuinely recognize they have a problem (which most don\'t), commit to years of intensive therapy, and do sustained hard work. The vast majority of people with NPD don\'t believe they need to change. Even with treatment, core narcissistic traits often persist. Don\'t stay in a harmful relationship hoping they\'ll change—protect yourself first.
How do I know if it\'s NPD or just normal selfishness?
Everyone can be selfish occasionally. Narcissistic behavior is different: it\'s a persistent pattern of self-centeredness, lack of empathy, manipulation, and entitlement that significantly impacts relationships. The key differences are consistency (happens regularly, not just occasionally), intensity (extreme reactions to criticism or lack of attention), and impact (causes real harm to your mental health and well-being). If you\'re constantly walking on eggshells or feeling diminished, that\'s a red flag regardless of diagnosis.
What is \"gray rock\" and should I use it?
Gray rock is a strategy where you make yourself as boring and unresponsive as possible—like a gray rock—to reduce a narcissist\'s interest in manipulating or engaging with you. You give brief, unemotional responses and don\'t share personal information. It can be effective for reducing conflict when you must interact (co-parenting, work), but it\'s emotionally exhausting and not a long-term solution for an intimate relationship. It\'s a survival tactic, not a healthy relationship dynamic.
Why do I feel like I\'m the crazy one or the problem?
This is gaslighting—a manipulation tactic where the narcissist makes you doubt your perceptions, memory, and sanity. They may deny things they said, twist your words, blame you for their behaviors, or call you "too sensitive" or "crazy." Over time, this erodes your confidence and makes you question yourself. Your feelings and experiences ARE valid. If you\'re constantly confused, questioning yourself, or feeling like you\'re losing your mind, that\'s a sign of psychological manipulation, not proof that you\'re the problem.
Should I confront my partner about being a narcissist?
Generally, no. Confronting a narcissist about their narcissism typically results in denial, rage, gaslighting, or turning it back on you. Most narcissists don\'t believe they have a problem—they think YOU\'re the problem. Instead of using the label "narcissist," focus on specific behaviors: "When you dismiss my feelings, I feel hurt and unheard." But even then, don\'t expect accountability or change. If they consistently refuse to acknowledge problems or work on them, your energy is better spent on protecting yourself and planning your exit.
How do I safely leave a narcissistic relationship?
Leaving a narcissist requires careful planning for safety. Steps include: (1) Document their behavior, (2) Secure your finances and important documents, (3) Build a support network, (4) Create a safety plan with domestic violence advocates, (5) Don\'t telegraph your intentions—narcissists often escalate when they sense you\'re leaving, (6) Go "no contact" after leaving if possible, (7) Block them on all platforms, (8) Prepare for "hoovering" (attempts to draw you back), (9) Get therapy to process trauma. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) for personalized safety planning.
Will they treat their next partner better than they treated me?
No. This is a common fear, but narcissistic patterns persist across relationships. What you\'re seeing on social media (them looking happy with someone new) is the "idealization" phase of the abuse cycle—the same love bombing they did with you. Eventually, the new partner will experience the same devaluation you did. The narcissist\'s core issues don\'t disappear with a new partner. Don\'t torture yourself comparing—focus on your own healing and recognize that you escaped a harmful situation.
How do I recover from narcissistic abuse?
Recovery takes time but is possible. Key steps: (1) Go no contact if possible, (2) Work with a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse, (3) Join support groups with others who\'ve experienced this, (4) Educate yourself about NPD and abuse dynamics, (5) Practice self-compassion—it\'s not your fault, (6) Reconnect with friends and family, (7) Rebuild your identity and interests, (8) Process the trauma and grieve the relationship you thought you had, (9) Learn to trust yourself again, (10) Set healthy boundaries in future relationships. Healing isn\'t linear—be patient with yourself.