Attachment Style Assessment Calculator
Discover your attachment style and understand your relationship patterns
Important Notice
This is a self-reflection tool, NOT a diagnostic test. Attachment styles are complex patterns that develop over time, and this assessment provides insight into your tendencies. For a comprehensive understanding, consider speaking with a mental health professional, especially if you're experiencing relationship difficulties.
Assessment Questions
1. How would you describe your relationship with your caregiver(s) as a child?
2. How did your caregiver(s) react when you got upset as a child?
3. How did you feel about making friends when you were a child?
4. How did you behave in school as a child?
5. How confident do you feel in relationships (either friendships or romances)?
6. How often were you afraid of being abandoned or rejected as a child?
7. How do you handle disagreements in a relationship?
8. How do you react when you make a new friend or enter a new relationship?
9. Would you consider yourself a people-pleaser?
10. How do you feel about intimacy in relationships?
11. Your partner asks you for a committed relationship. How do you feel about that?
12. How often do you rely on a partner or friend for help?
The 4 Attachment Styles
Comfortable with intimacy and independence
Fears abandonment, needs reassurance
Values independence, avoids intimacy
Wants closeness but fears it
Understanding Attachment Styles
What is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby, suggests that the bond between infants and their primary caregivers shapes how we navigate relationships throughout life. The way caregivers respond to a child's needs creates an "internal working model" of relationships that influences future interactions.
Can Attachment Styles Change?
Yes! While attachment styles tend to be stable, they're not permanent. Through therapy, self-awareness, and healthy relationships, you can develop a more secure attachment style. The process takes time and effort, but change is possible at any age.
Why Does This Matter?
Understanding your attachment style helps you recognize patterns in your relationships, understand your emotional reactions, and make conscious choices about how you relate to others. It's not about labeling yourself but about gaining insight into your behaviors and needs.
Working with Different Styles
When partners have different attachment styles, it can create challenges but also opportunities for growth. Communication, patience, and understanding each other's needs are key. Many couples successfully navigate different attachment styles with awareness and effort.
Remember:
- •No attachment style is "better" or "worse"—they're adaptive strategies we developed in childhood
- •Most people have a mix of styles, with one being more dominant
- •Attachment styles can vary slightly in different relationships (romantic vs. platonic)
- •Awareness is the first step toward developing more secure patterns
- •Professional therapy can be incredibly helpful for working through insecure attachment patterns
Frequently Asked Questions
How accurate is the Attachment Style Assessment Calculator?
This assessment provides insight based on attachment theory research, but it's a self-reflection tool, not a clinical diagnosis. For the most accurate understanding of your attachment style, consider working with a therapist who specializes in attachment and can assess your patterns in depth over time.
Can my attachment style be different in different relationships?
Yes! While you typically have one dominant attachment style, it can manifest differently in various relationships. For example, you might be more secure with friends but anxious in romantic relationships, or vice versa. Context and the other person's attachment style can also influence how your patterns show up.
What if I have traits of multiple attachment styles?
This is very common! Most people have a mix of attachment patterns, with one style being more dominant. The fearful-avoidant style, in particular, combines traits of both anxious and avoidant attachment. Your scores on this assessment show the relative strength of each style in your responses.
Is insecure attachment permanent?
No! Attachment styles can change through conscious effort, therapy, and healthy relationships. Many people develop "earned secure attachment" through self-work and positive relationship experiences. It takes time and commitment, but moving toward security is possible regardless of your childhood experiences.
What causes different attachment styles?
Attachment styles primarily develop from early childhood experiences with caregivers. Secure attachment forms when caregivers are consistently responsive and loving. Anxious attachment develops from inconsistent care. Avoidant attachment stems from emotional unavailability or dismissiveness. Fearful-avoidant attachment often results from frightening or traumatic caregiving experiences.
How do I develop a more secure attachment style?
Developing security involves self-awareness, therapy (particularly attachment-focused or psychodynamic therapy), mindfulness practices, building healthy relationships, working through childhood experiences, and gradually challenging your attachment patterns. It's a process that takes time, but with commitment and support, significant change is possible.
What if my partner has a different attachment style?
Different attachment styles can complement each other or create challenges, depending on the specific combination. The key is open communication, understanding each other's needs and triggers, and being willing to work together. Many successful relationships involve partners with different attachment styles who've learned to navigate their differences with awareness and compassion.
What's the difference between anxious and fearful-avoidant attachment?
Both involve anxiety about relationships, but anxious attachment is characterized by consistent seeking of closeness and reassurance. Fearful-avoidant attachment involves conflicting desires—wanting closeness but also fearing it, leading to unpredictable behavior that alternates between clingy and withdrawn. Fearful-avoidant is often rooted in more severe childhood trauma.
Can childhood trauma affect my attachment style?
Yes, absolutely. Childhood trauma, abuse, neglect, or having frightening or unpredictable caregivers can significantly impact attachment development. Trauma often leads to fearful-avoidant attachment patterns. Working through trauma with a qualified therapist is essential for healing and developing more secure attachment patterns.
Should I share my attachment style with my partner?
Sharing can be beneficial if done thoughtfully. It can help your partner understand your needs and behaviors, facilitate better communication, and create opportunities for mutual growth. However, don't use it as an excuse for problematic behavior—attachment style explains patterns but doesn't justify unhealthy actions. Discuss it as a tool for understanding, not a fixed label.